I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
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I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
SPLOOT
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
So inspired right now.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
never deleting this app.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”