My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
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Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….