Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
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I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Choose your fighter
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Not today. 😅
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”