What in the hipster hell is going on here
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Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.