I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
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If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Phonetics
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
watergate? u mean a dam??
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
bias laundering edition
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.