Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
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Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Great Canadian literature.