My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
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What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No