yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
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ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.