[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
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“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Okey dokey.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
guys I’m going home