Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
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Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
s
oc
i
a
l
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
[montage of me giving-up]
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.