Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
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[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Brands during Pride
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets