The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
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forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.