When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
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“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early