For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
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Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer