Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
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Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.