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“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..