My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
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I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
In case you needed to hear it:
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Scream sneezers need love too.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Whoa 😂
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him