There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
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So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
me and my fake scenarios
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”