Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
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ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.