You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
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To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
(Gaming support cat.)
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out