1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
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I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
we’re dead?
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
😩😩😩
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?