My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
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Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.