My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
You Might Also Like
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
It’s a gift
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.