No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
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“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do