I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
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Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.