The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
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hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?