My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
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canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
become ungovernable
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You鈥檙e terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you鈥檙e wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don鈥檛 want your $30.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that鈥檚 still progress, right?
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you鈥檙e bored of this conversation
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
God: you鈥檙e a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can鈥檛 fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that鈥檚 fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that鈥檚 not flying lol.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven鈥檛 moved out.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
You can鈥檛 change your past but you can change your pasta.
He’s so proud of his work! 馃ぃ
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I鈥檓 starting to get a little worried about my cake.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.