The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
You Might Also Like
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Eggs benadryl my favourite
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Flock of bats
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met