Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
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Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
wow
Storm Tropical Storm
😏😏😏
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this