*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
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the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Sending in my taxes
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.