Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
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me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I came this close!!!!
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are