I needed a laugh this morning.
You Might Also Like
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.