The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
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[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
What if all the cashiers are married?
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!