Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
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Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon