Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
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The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?