Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
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[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out