just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
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Oh, I bet you would be
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.