It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
You Might Also Like
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I just ran a .003048K
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
#Caturday
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
(yawn)
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.