Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
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90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
next level snooze
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.