[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
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Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes