Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
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I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
There is no “ea” in Tim.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Close call…
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.