To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
You Might Also Like
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd