I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
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“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.