Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
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The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.