Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
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In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.