My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
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Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.