With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
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There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I wish all tests were things you peed on
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.