You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
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doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)