if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
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Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably