[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
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I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Always.
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Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !